We can never see past the choices we don’t understand. לעולם איננו יכולים לראות מעבר לבחירות שלנו שאיננו מבינים

This is a post I had not finished before the Belgium trip – and the massive change in my life. It looks like a different person said it.

 

The larva of the locust will spread their wings in a week or two.

By then, I’ll be on my way to spread my own wings, for six weeks. Away from home.

What were my choices in the matter? Did I made those choices? I feel that I am swept on a wave, without much control, like a Cork. Part of my defiance against belief was my will to loose the fear of this helplessness. Yes, I have no control – and I can live with the understanding that no one does. There is no big plan, no justice scales at the end. Yet the borrowing locust appear by the millions, stretching their wings.

My therapist said “There could be no love without God” and I’m fighting this notion out of my head for a long time. Not for finding what it means, but fighting what I want not to know. To not see past the choices.

I have suffered some narcissistic injury, so to speak, in the past few days. Although I know what triggers it, and I know where it stems out of, I can’t stop it from hurting. I am supposed to react with “Narcissistic Rage”, but I have no rage, I’m defeated. I want home. To a dark place of no memory, my only true home, oblivion.

Why was I hurt? we’ll the trigger was my dragging, nagging project, which I was sure I finished almost a month ago. The direct manager and the head of the company decided that it was not finished – due to design problems – and suggested I take a cut (a big cut) in my pay. The fact that something I did was not “GREAT!” is awful enough. but it’s not even that. The next blow was getting a critical review of my training, from people who have a fraction of my experience, and no – I don’t mean the client (That is legitimate). All of us, trainers, were suppose to note the good and bad parts  of each other trainers.I got many praises, yet, any criticism (even, and especially, the justified ones…) hurt like a stab.

But that person is gone. I’m now facing a 10 times worse stress. I’m a manager. The only job I did not want to do again. Bossing people, fighting political issues for narrow interests, and making decisions. Choices I do not understand.

 

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